Free Drugs

Friday night, Emily was watching the Opening Ceremonies when I got home with Poncho from the dog park. Then Emily made like the girlie-girl she is and went shopping with one of her friends. But I kept on watching, even though the only part of the Opening Ceremonies I like is the Parade of Nations, or whatever they call it, when the athletes come marching in, one country at a time. But now that Bob Costas is covering the event, it has gone from something I liked watching to something I tolerate. Bob Costas is one smug bastard.

Anyway, I have never taken LSD or mushrooms or peyote or whateverthehell else would inspire hallucinations. And quite frankly, after Friday night, I don't have to.

First, there was the train of Bjork's dress during the Opening Ceremonies, which eventully was unraveled to cover all the thousands of athletes in the center of the field. Her train ended up being a map of the world. So that was as cool as it was weird.

Oh yeah and before that there was a woman walking around with a huge, lit-up belly, pretending to be pregnant.

Okay, so that was weird. But then, during a commercial break I flipped through the channels and on FOX TV (channel 9 for you Twin Cities people), there was a race. But not just any race.

It was a camel on the inside track

racing a relay of humans on the outside track

who were all midgets.

It was very unsettling and what I imagine a bad drug trip would feel like. I felt bad for the camel and even worse for the midgets, since their team lost in a photo finish.

So first I thought, "Dude am I carpeing some diem or what?!? It's Friday night and I am definitely living life to its fullest!"

But then I pondered more serious issues. Like whether or not I would enjoy watching a relay team of Bob Costas, Marv Albert, Bryant Gumbel, Bill Walton, and John Madden race a hungry polar bear.

Then I got worried. Maybe those M & Ms I was eating Friday night were actually laced with acid. So I went straight to the camel's mouth, FOX's website. It turns out I wasn't on drugs. I was as sober as I was lame that night, watching something called Man Vs.Beast 2. FOX's website also added the following:

Olympic Gold Medalists Carl Lewis, Bart Connor and Dan O’Brien will serve as commentators. (SP-0445) (TV-G) Events include a long-jumping competition between man and dog, a test of endurance while an orangutan and a man hang from a suspended bar; a contest of speed and agility as man and chimpanzee race up a palm tree and finally a relay race between five little people and a 1,500-pound camel.

I don't know what is more bizarre: the fact that this show exists, or the fact that Carl Lewis, Bart Connor, and Dan O'Brien are the hosts.

Click here for the FOX link.

First person to know (without using the internet--you're on the honor system) if it was Dan O'Brien or Dave Johnson that failed to clear his first pole vault height in the 1992 Olympic decathalon gets a special prize from me. Are you out there Gaio?